A present for your teenage daughter (11–15): let her choose

Between eleven and fifteen, a girl is putting together her own identity: clothes, music, her room, her friends. Something she chose says “this is me”. Something a parent chose often says “this is what I think of you” — and at this age that is a sensitive spot.

Psychologists call it the need for autonomy: we experience things as our own when we get to make decisions about them. In teenagers that need is at its strongest, because they are only just starting to separate from their parents.

There is also a more general finding about gifts. In a study by Francesca Gino and Francis Flynn, recipients appreciated what they had asked for more than an unrequested “original” surprise. The givers, meanwhile, believed the opposite — that a requested gift feels impersonal. With a teenage daughter this mistake costs even more: a miss isn’t brushed off with a polite “thanks”, it becomes something that sits in a drawer and reminds her that nobody listened.

Letting her choose doesn’t mean giving up on a personal present. What makes it personal is that you listened and trusted her, not that you caught her by surprise.

These presents are usually well meant, but your daughter hears something else in them. You can spot them because they make more sense to you than to her.

There are several ways to let her choose. They differ in how much work falls on you, how much on her, and how much surprise is left.

The card is where you can be personal. Keep it short, no lectures and no “when you’re grown up”. Lines you can borrow:

The same applies to a grandmother or aunt, with one advantage: they can ask the parents what’s on the list and avoid doubling up. The presents that go worst are the ones more distant relatives choose based on how they remember the girl from three years ago.

If you really have no idea, it’s more honest to give money with a note about what it might go towards than an item picked blind. More ideas for grandparents are in the article A present for your granddaughter, and an overview for every age is in A present for your daughter by age and stage. If you’re also shopping for a boy of a similar age, have a look at a present for your son by age.

A book in which your daughter is the heroine feels like magic to a seven-year-old. To a thirteen-year-old, as a surprise, it often feels babyish — and that’s exactly the kind of present she has outgrown.

It’s a different story when she creates it herself. In the Hero of the Book wizard she can choose a world and a plot, or write her own story, and pick one of 20 illustration styles, such as anime or graphic novel. The finished e-book is usually ready within 15 minutes. Older girls tend to make one for a younger sibling or as a present for their grandmother rather than for themselves — and that counts too, because they’re the ones deciding. How such a book comes together is described in the article A personalised book.